The state of efficiency. Unusual methods of self-improvement Filippov Sergey

Chapter 5 Why do we behave differently than we would like?

Why do we behave differently than we would like?

As we found out, we are all controlled by different programs mini me. They are triggered by certain combinations of external impulses that come from the five senses of our body, and internal impulses sent by the logical and emotional hemispheres of the brain. What programs are running us? Unfortunately, everything mini me It is impossible to list, because there are hundreds and even thousands of them. Let me give you just a few examples.

I am good. This program is known to all. When it's running, we do good deeds, care for others, and speak words of encouragement to them. It seems like the whole world is smiling back at us. And most importantly, we succeed.

I am evil Complete opposite I-kind. At times like this, you don't like everything. It seems that those around you are hostile, and you cannot find any positive emotions. However, the more angry you are, the more negativity is born inside you. Throwing out all the hatred does not work, besides, you have to restrain yourself, and from this you begin to literally shake with anger.

I am annoyed. This program makes you ruin relationships with others. You splash out on them hostility and irritation, which accumulated gradually or were provoked by an unpleasant situation. Every little thing annoys you.

I am the lover If you look at the world through rose-colored glasses, if your problems have ceased to bother you and you want nothing more than to be close to your loved one, then one of the most wonderful programs has been launched. mini me.

I am tricky With this program, you get out of different difficult situations, and also figure out how to deceive or confuse the other person.

I'm honest This program makes you confess something and gives you the confidence to keep your word because it's the right thing to do.

I am a quitter. There are also I. They have to do with overcoming our bad habits. For example, I-want to lose weight, I-want to stop being late other. These programs are a message from the true I who wants to make you a better person.

I am a smoker. The program is the opposite of the previous one. Such I sincerely convinces you (and he succeeds) that you will break your word for the last time and will never obey I want to smoke. The one who tried to get rid of this bad habit, knows firsthand about the fierce struggle that takes place inside a person. This program usually runs I am accusing.

I am accusing. This program constantly "nags" you, scolds, reproaches you. Under its influence, you stop loving yourself and underestimate self-esteem. How could I smoke again if I promised myself I would never do it again? Why did I eat this hamburger if I firmly decided not to take a grain in my mouth after six in the evening? How could I yell at my husband again if I gave my word to control myself? This "self-flagellation" can continue indefinitely.

I am regretful. This program usually takes up your time, forcing you to spend it scrolling through your head about the events that you regret. You seem to be stuck in the past when you think something like this: “If I were better at school in math or English, then now it would be easier for me to find Good work"," If I had not been rude to the client then, I would not have been deprived of the bonus, "If I had not been lazy yesterday, I would have handed over the project on time."

I am indignant. This program makes a person feel left out and offended. When it starts, you are overwhelmed with a sense of injustice. You believe that these emotions should not be contained, because otherwise the world will never know that it is terribly wrong towards you. You resent telling everyone that you didn't get what you deserve.

I am envious, I am vengeful, I am competitive, I am just, I am seductive, I am justifying, I am cowardly, I am bold, I am needy, I am defensive- such programs mini me there is an infinite number in our heads, and they are all different in terms of time of action and inertia. Some seek to improve your life, while others make it unbearable. All programs that produce negative feelings, as a rule, take possession of you for a long time, so you involuntarily launch similar destructive mini me from other people and thereby increase evil in our world. But, even understanding this, you are not able to quickly switch to a positive program.

Countless mini me govern us throughout life, and our consciousness can only observe what is happening.

Are you beginning to recognize yourself? Understand what programs control you and what mini me affects your behavior this moment? Are you real now? For most people, the present I- this is a feeling of absolute clarity of consciousness, without fears and doubts, as well as a clear understanding of cause-and-effect relationships.

Here are a few more clear examples different programs mini me.

I am the rebellious. Often it is launched by the program I am indignant. Just this I makes you act against common sense, climb on the rampage and swing rights. Often the activation of such I leads to unpleasant events - dismissal, quarrels and fights.

Interesting programs related to self-assessment - I am proud, I am important, I am boss, I am director etc. They complicate relationships with colleagues, partners, friends and family.

I am selfish leads to the fact that you forget about the interests of other people and stop paying attention to the details of the relationship. This causes a response from others, and as a result, the family, friendship or partnership begins to loosen and crumble.

I am suspicious looking for danger wherever possible and wherever impossible. You begin to doubt, fear and procrastinate.

I am self-punishing This program is activated when, in our opinion inner feeling we are doing something wrong, even when we ourselves are not aware of it. There are people who are constantly in power negative programs mini me. You've probably met them. When you are interested in how they are doing, you will certainly hear in response: "Solid problems." Such people see only the bad in everything and always escalate the situation, and they do it not in order to manipulate someone, but simply because their world is painted in black colors.

you and on own example could watch the world turn gray when you're in power destroying mini-me. Under their influence, there are social movements. For example, how do you get people to volunteer to go to war? Gotta run them I am heroic. That is why a lot of materials appear in the media about patriotic deeds or about someone's wrong actions in relation to the country as a whole. How to make people work for the army for free? You need to enable the program I should. All manipulations with people are carried out with the help of I am guilty, since under the influence of this program it is almost impossible to resist someone else's will. How exactly this happens, we will understand later when we talk about effective management people with the help mini me.

Note that there are whole chains mini me. The first program launches the second, the second - the third, the third - the fourth, etc. Often they turn on themselves, but they cannot do without additional external and internal impulses. It is interesting to observe how in the minds of different people one mini me is replaced by another, which leads to the absolute destruction of their relationship. Let's analyze a common transformation of the relationship between a manager and an employee, when they turn from partners into enemies. Just six steps - and the paths of these people drastically diverge. At the same time, both consider themselves 100% right.

Step 1st. At some point, as a leader, you turned on I am selfish, and you started thinking something like this: “I have already achieved a lot; I have a rich company; I'm in charge here; everyone must obey me implicitly; I can behave as I please." You begin to be rude to a subordinate, or you may, for example, not give them a bonus, believing that this is fair. In response, your subordinate turns on I am demotivated, and he begins to work in the style of "fuck off!". The employee thinks: “Since the boss is such an egoist, why should I try?” As a result, his productivity decreases, because he begins to hack.

Step 2. In response to his bad job you turn on I am evil. You do not hold back your emotions, yell at the employee and start him I am resentful. He, harboring anger, withdraws into himself and burns with the desire to take revenge.

Step 3. Seeing that the employee was offended, you think: “The person does not work well and is still dissatisfied with something! I'll start paying him less." It controls you I am greedy. The employee responds to your greed with cunning, starting to steal your time, your customers, and maybe your money.

Step 4 Frustration in an employee triggers a program in you I am an illusion that there is nothing good in it. And the slave, in turn, turns on I am an illusion that the leader is an idiot.

Step 5 Then you turn on the program I am envy. “Are there normal employees in other companies and in the labor market in general?” you think. As a result, the employee turns on I am the gossip: “Everything is bad in this company. But there are also normal leaders somewhere.

Step 6 This story ends with the employee turning on I am the runaway, which is expressed in his dismissal, and you have - I am haunting in the form of a refusal to give him recommendations, a bad entry in the work book, etc.

Here it is, the mechanism for the destruction of partnerships: selfishness - demotivation - anger - resentment - greed - theft - illusion - illusion - envy - rumors - flight - persecution. In this scenario, you cannot see these six steps from the outside, because you are completely dominated by programs. mini me. At this point, you are not in control of yourself and are not able to control the situation.

In order to see all the stages of the destruction of relationships, you must look at yourself detachedly and without prejudice, and then critically evaluate your behavior and your emotions. You need to understand how far you have come and what program mini me you are now in control. In other words, you must realize who you are at this moment in time. You are not superior I. You are only carrying out the program that now rules over you. You believe that all your actions and thoughts are right. But it's not. Now you are acting according to the pattern laid down in you by other people. Consider your reaction. Be aware of yourself.

Refresh your thoughts about the meaning of your life.

So what is it? We said that the meaning of the life of the body is to receive pleasure. And what is the meaning of the life of our consciousness? To run the program mini me which is currently in control of you. Even if you think you are in control of yourself, I assure you you are wrong. We are always trapped in some mini me. So, the second meaning of your life is to carry out programs mini me. If you are led I am evil, then you should be angry if I am envious- envy if I am greedy- be greedy if I am loving- to love with full devotion, etc. The meaning of each program lies in its implementation.

Curiously, when you are at the mercy of some program mini me, that is, your momentary I you feel like you can see the true meaning of your life. However, in books on self-development it is written that it can be different, because in fact it is dictated by the program mini me currently running. For example, I am philosophical tells you that the meaning of life is in the knowledge of God, I am loving- in love, I am drunk- in wine I-realizing- in achieving the goal.

Many successful businessmen fell into such traps, who, apparently, were subjected to some kind of negative impact or experienced shock. Perhaps they grew up in poor families or were bullied at school. This formed a certain internal impulse in them, which is strongly entrenched and throughout their life activates the same mini-me: I-achiever, I-want more and more, I-self-fulfilling. Turning on with a certain frequency, they allow a person to create his own business, because internally he believes that this is the only thing for him. the right way. A businessman begins to earn a lot, but cannot stop even when huge amounts of money accumulate on his accounts, which he will not spend in his entire life. But a person simply cannot stop, he wants to earn more and more. And only closer to the age of 60, realizing that he is sick and lonely, he finally begins to look for the real meaning of life, regretting that he spent it entirely on work and devoted little time to his family. Undoubtedly, such mini-programs allow you to reach great heights. But do they make a person really happy if at the end of the path he comes to disappointment with life?

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I'm 19 years old. All my relatives, even just classmates, tell me that I am stupid and behave like a child. I am very tired, I want to change. The thing is, I have a lot negative qualities, sometimes it seems that I am like a burden for my relatives ... I am too lazy, I do not think before I say anything and I am irresponsible. I don't know what to do to change these qualities in myself. How can I give myself a clear statement that I will change if I don’t know how, where should I start, what should I do .... And will I be able to change? Help me please!

Hello Afsana! And how do you rate yourself? IT IS NOT important how others perceive you - what matters is how YOU perceive yourself - what prevents you yourself? what are your qualities? in what? You should NOT reject yourself, go in yourself only negative - it's all YOU! You have to learn to love, accept and respect yourself. If you yourself notice that you can perform childish, infantile actions, and if you want to change this, then you have to work on the positions of the Adult and the Child - superficial, infantile behavior may indicate the dominant position of the Child, others may be uncomfortable with you, since they can address you as an adult KO, and in return receive the reactions of the child - this interferes with building relationships. This may also prevent you from building Adult relationships with men - since they will see in front of them not a woman, but a little girl - at first it inspires them, BUT after that it is NO and the relationship begins to collapse - or you may be left with a type of male dad or so immature! If you want to understand yourself, then you should contact a psychologist in person and start working on yourself!

Afsana, if you decide - you can feel free to contact me - call - I will be glad to help you!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Good answer 1 bad answer 0

Afsana, hello.

You can start with observation.

Watch what goes on inside you when you do things that other people see as childish and stupid.

Self-judgment greatly interferes with observation, so refrain from berating yourself for anything you have done. Instead, look for explanations. Time after time of such efforts, your mind will train and develop.

Observe how others behave, how other people act in similar situations. First of all, those who seem smart to you. And compare, find the difference between your actions and theirs. To do this, ask what exactly this person did differently. And when someone scolds you and calls you stupid, ask how, from his point of view, a "smart" person would act in this situation and ask him to explain why.

Don't scold yourself. And yet, learn to slowly understand why a person called you stupid. Often this is nothing more than a simple name-calling. Trolling, as they say. Maybe you did not do what the person expected of you. Or not in the way that suits him.

Observing yourself and people and relationships with them is the basis. And then read books on psychology. You can go to a group psychological occupation. And finally, for an individual consultation to get more specific tips on how to move in your development.

All the best,

respectfully,

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, consultations in Moscow and via skype

Good answer 3 bad answer 0

Hello Afsana!

Oh, and you asked a difficult question! It is very difficult to answer it somehow unambiguously. First of all, because your letter gives the impression that you want to change, not because you yourself are somehow hindered by the fact that you behave like a child, but because others do not like it. Trying to change only in order to please others, without experiencing a real need to change something in himself, a person will encounter his own resistance to these changes. So, as if one part of him was saying: "I want to be good, I want to be loved, we must try to please them," and the other reasonably answered: "But I'm fine anyway."

Therefore, the motivation to change to please others is highly counterproductive. To understand yourself, try to understand: why do you need to change yourself? If your family did not criticize you, would any qualities interfere with your life? You need to get away from this.

If you want to understand your situation in more detail, feel free to contact me, I will try to help you.

With Best wishes, Tyuneeva Elena, psychologist, Moscow

Good answer 6 bad answer 1

Hello Afsana!

It's good that you yourself want to change .... However, here I saw a somewhat different problem than what you write about.

I have a lot of negative qualities, sometimes it seems that I am like a burden for my relatives...

In order to understand how many negative ones (and most importantly, for whom are they negative?), you need to evaluate your positive ones! Sit down and write down all your virtues! And try to manifest one of them every day! I think that your work will take more than one month!))) And then write to yourself your shortcomings, and through the dash why you need it. Let's say "talkative - but sociable!" And understand that you can not unambiguously evaluate everything. There will be those where there will be no ZATO. These are the ones you need to work on...

I'm too lazy

Laziness is a lack of motivation and also a self-preservation instinct. Think what do you have?

i'm irresponsible.

Who are you to be responsible for? for those people who are burdened by you? Well, you wrote so .... Everything in life is for something .... Find why you should be responsible!

I don't think before I say anything

You take an example from your loved ones - they didn’t think when they let you know that they were burdened by you ....

In general, how to work on the shortcomings, and most importantly, how to recognize the merits, I wrote to you above. But you still need to build relationships with loved ones.. There is not enough information here to advise something. I think your heart will help you...

Trotsenko Natalya Yurievna, psychologist Vladikavkaz

Good answer 2 bad answer 0

Some mistakes in relationships can be easily corrected, and there are such mistakes that can lead to disastrous consequences. And it is even harder to deal with these consequences than to eliminate their root cause. One of these Five female relationship mistakes: don't act like a child. With this behavior, you can mess things up ...

Even in childhood, we were praised and encouraged only for beautiful eyes and cute dresses that fit so well on us. And, already becoming adults, we continue to behave like children in order to achieve what we want from men. But men do not like it when their passions play the role of a little girl. This is fraught with a loss of respect from the beloved man.

Do you allow yourself to behave like a girl? Analyze your behavior, your manners and draw conclusions.

naivety

Girls are usually naive and simple. However, as a girl grows up, becoming a woman, she receives life experience, naivety, albeit not among all the representatives of the weaker sex, but among many, is lost, and it is replaced by responsibility, confidence in tomorrow. However, if you continue to behave like a naive girl, it may end badly.

You don't have to show that you don't understand something if you don't.. You artificially inflate the self-esteem of a man who begins to think that he is smarter and more significant than you. What about your self-esteem? It is unlikely that it rises in unison with his self-esteem. In the end, a man can become proud, and he will lose respect for you.

Demonstration of resentment

To manipulate a man, we sometimes feign resentment, make a frowning face like we were really offended. A man will try to please you so that you do not pout at him, but over time he will understand that you are playing with him, or he will simply get tired of constantly asking you for an apology and pleasing you with gifts and other things..

Pretense

No need to pretend to be confused if in fact it is not. You cry out with your appearance for help, although you yourself can solve your problem without any problems. A man seeks to serve you, to show that he is a protector, that he is a hero - your hero. But over time, again, he will either understand that you are playing with him, or he will get tired of constantly running to help at your first call..

Treating a man like a father

Communication with a beloved man as with a father doesn't do any good either. And it is expressed as follows: you call your beloved “daddy”, often sit on his knees, like to pout, admit “I was a bad / good girl today”, allow your spouse to control the family budget and ask him for pocket money.

These are not all signs. child behavior but there are quite a few of them. Be serious, responsible, do not lisp, and your faithful will consider you a beloved woman, and not a spoiled girl.

Why is it considered that pregnant women should not cut their hair? There are two approaches to the ban on cutting hair: folk and scientific. Let's consider both.

Popular sign: why pregnant women should not cut their hair?

It is believed that when cutting hair, a woman shortens the life of her child. For example, he may be born dead or not live long after birth. People believed that it was in the hair that the vitality of the mother and child was recruited. Moreover, it was not allowed to cut a child under a year old: from this vitality subsided or "the mind was cut off."

Many ancient rituals are associated with hair. For example, at baptism, a lock of hair is rolled into wax, at a wedding, braids are braided for the bride, and at the funeral of her husband, the widow let her hair down. These and other signs about hair are associated with life and death. It was also believed that having human hair, any sorcerer could harm him.

There are other explanations why a pregnant woman should not have a haircut. For example, a woman's hair is considered her the best protection, something like a scarf or cape. To lose them is to lose protection. And even earlier, in ancient times, it was believed that hair could partially warm a woman and her child in very coldy.

Scientific substantiation of superstition

Why some doctors also do not advise pregnant women on certain deadlines cutting hair? Are they superstitious too? Not at all. It turns out that there is a perfectly logical explanation why pregnant women should not cut their hair. The fact is that after a haircut, the hair begins to grow even more intensively, they will have to be cut more often. And for hair growth, many useful substances leave the body: vitamins, minerals, proteins that the fetus needs more.

Of course, if you consume these same vitamins, proteins and minerals in sufficient quantities, then there will be no problems. And if you don’t have enough of them in your body, and even the child takes everything you have, then at the end of pregnancy you risk being left without hair and without teeth, with sore muscles.

Signs: what not to do when pregnant?

Folk omens did not come about by chance. For centuries, people have been watching pregnant women, childbirth, the growth of the child, his character, etc. All this takes a long period, and therefore will accept, associated with future mother and a lot of kids. And all these signs predicted some kind of danger that warned the woman and the child.

Why is it impossible for a pregnant woman to look at terrible animals, the dead, freaks? It was believed that the child will be born ugly. And how can this fact be explained from a medical point of view?

The mood and condition of the mother affects the hormones that are transmitted through the placenta to the fetus. The child usually experiences the same emotions as the mother. And he begins to make grimaces from a very early date. Therefore, various shocks and experiences can affect not only the character of the child, but also the appearance.

Pregnant women should not step over products grown in the ground, for example, potatoes, beets, etc. This is rather just a tribute to the earth, its fruits.

There should be no knots on a woman's clothes: they do not let the child into the outside world. You can not sew, knit, weave, etc. All this is somehow connected with the umbilical cord, which can be wrapped around the child.

Most likely, the fact is that a woman in labor cannot sit in one position for a long time, she should walk more, lie down, but not sit, because this increases the load on the fetus. And for a long time, the head descends into the pelvis, so sitting a woman can harm the child.

The sign not to show the newborn up to forty days to outsiders is also quite understandable. It's not just about the "evil eye". It’s just that the child is still very weak, his immunity has not yet been formed, and strangers can bring an infection into the house. Yes, and unnecessary excitement, many new experiences for a child can be a heavy burden.

You can not kiss newborns: they can become dumb. The explanation is quite simple: you should not expose the child to infections, you must follow the rules of hygiene so as not to infect the baby.

very stupid remarks

And there is absolutely stupid omens associated with pregnant women. Of course, at first glance, these signs seem very ridiculous, but often some of them can be quite rationally explained. It might be worth listening to them.

• A bath should not be taken by a pregnant woman;
• You can not tell anyone about pregnancy;
• Do not eat eggs with two yolks;
• You can not eat secretly;
• The name of the unborn child must be kept secret;
• You can not play with the cat and touch it;
• You can't sit on the porch;
• A pregnant woman should not touch her face;
• You can not sit cross-legged;
• You can not refuse a woman when she asks for food;
• You can not raise your hands above your head;
• It is impossible to be interested in the sex of the unborn child before childbirth;
• You can not buy things for the baby before the birth;
• Pregnant women should not swear;
• You can not rock a crying baby in a cradle or stroller, only in your arms;
• Pregnant women should not wear gold or silver jewelry;
• You can not photograph a pregnant woman or draw her portrait.

Superstition or scientific fact?

So to cut or not to cut your hair while pregnant? In most cases, all signs are prejudices. If a woman fulfills all the conditions of doctors, takes vitamins, leads a healthy lifestyle, does not get upset and is not stressed, then everything is possible for her, but in moderation. The exception is the use of harmful products, smoking, alcohol, heavy physical exertion.

She laughed. Charles and Diana looked at them.
They sat side by side, opposite their protégés. Children
on one side, adults on the other. old
thirty-year-old children who do not want to
grow up. Lucille was silent. She thought to herself:
does nothing in life, does not love anyone.
Funny. Don't love life itself
I would have killed myself long ago."
Francoise Sagan "Signal for Surrender"

The story of Francoise Sagan "Signal to Surrender" describes the life of a thirty-year-old kept woman Lucille. She lives with a not very young, but very rich man.

The girl leads a carefree life, not overshadowed by any responsibility. But one day she meets a young middle-class guy. Love captures Lucille so much that she decisively changes her life - she leaves her rich lover and even gets a job.

She does not like to work, but she is forced to do it, because one salary of her beloved is not enough. After a few months of such a life, the girl finds out that she is pregnant.

Lucille is so terrified of the impending responsibility that she, completely forgetting about her love, returns to past life. She gets rid of the child, from work, from her beloved and begins to live again with a rich sponsor who forgives her and takes her into his fatherly arms.

The behavior of the heroine can be described as infantile. Despite the fact that according to the plot of the story she is already over thirty.

Unfortunately, infantilism in our time high technology is a fairly common occurrence. Women are increasingly complaining about infantile men, men are tired of fighting off women who want to get a job at someone else's expense.

Is infantilism a fatal flaw leading to the destruction of relationships? How to behave with a partner if he does not want to grow up? Are women to blame for the infantilism of men?

Is it possible to change yourself and become more mature personality giving yourself the opportunity to realize all your dreams? Let's try to answer these questions and understand the nature of infantilism.

Caution: children!

"Many of my friends have long done successful career and have a stable income. I still work as a waitress and constantly borrow money until payday. I am already 37, and there is no family, no children, no normal work ... "

"My boyfriend is constantly forgetting his keys, losing his cell phones, forgetting important dates and always late for meetings. He is already 28, and he is constantly broke because he often changes jobs - everything is looking for himself. I'm tired of being his mom."

"My girlfriend doesn't work or study anywhere, she finds it boring. She eats, smokes, drinks beer all day long, watches TV and hangs out with her friends. She also loves to go shopping to buy everything that comes to hand. .I feel like a parent of a teenage girl even though she is 33."

“My employee behaves like a child. She forgets to make important calls, constantly delays the delivery of work, comes up with various excuses so as not to be present at serious negotiations.

I have to constantly remind her of what she needs to do, to apologize to clients for delays in work. Often I finish the work for her.

Even though she is cute and man of heart, I get more and more irritated because I feel this behavior is disrespectful towards other people.

But she is an adult (she is 45!), Having a family and two children! I increasingly think that it is easier for me to work alone than with such an assistant.

“I can’t communicate with a friend, because I constantly feel like her old annoying relative - if we agreed to call, then I should call, if we agreed to meet, then only I remember the meeting, if she can’t come, then even about it does not warn.

It seems to me that she gets pleasure if she abruptly changes her plans and leaves the other person (not just me) at a loss. What to do if we suddenly met, I should also decide.

She asks for my advice all the time and always gets irritated when I give it. It is very difficult and tedious to work with her. I also want attention and warmth, but in our case the game goes one way".

If you are familiar with such behavior, then you are dealing with a real infantile person.

He behaves like a child who waits for adults to solve all his problems. He constantly imposes responsibility on other people.

Typical manifestations of infantilism

Financial irresponsibility

• a person throws money, spends a lot of money on expensive trifles - clothes, equipment, cosmetics, etc., often the salary ends on the very first day;
• borrows money, does not pay bills on time, does not plan his expenses, does not have savings, exceeds credit, or generally lives off credit;
• does not linger for a long time at one job, earns only when he remains broke;
• hopes that you will help him deal with money problems;
• does not like to repay debts on time or simply forgets about them.

An irresponsible attitude towards money often signals an irresponsible attitude towards people.

Unreliability

• the person is not punctual, optional;
• does not keep promises, forgets about everything, takes time when it comes to important matters, behaves irresponsibly;
• loses things, documents, randomly stores information, cannot find the necessary things, files, etc.;
• always hopes that someone will do for him, insure.

Lack of purpose

• unable to act without the pressure of external circumstances;
• has difficulty planning the future, the very word "plan" makes him panic or irritated;
• often delays making a decision;
• decision-making is always guided by external factors and the opinion of others;
• he is already over 30, and he still has not decided what to do in life, often changes jobs because he "did not find himself";
• avoids various self-digging, talking about problems, because he does not want to see that the problem is in himself;
• he is waiting for someone to provide him big chance and always hope for a miracle.

Features of coexistence with an infantile person

Infantile people avoid all responsibility and behave in such a way that they force the partner to take on the role of a parent.

It would seem that there is nothing wrong with this, many even like to patronize someone. But when it comes to love, such relationships gradually kill sexuality.

To experience sexual desire for a child is as difficult as to experience passion for a parent. The more your partner looks like a child, the more often he behaves like a teenager, the less satisfaction you get sex life with him.

If your friend or employee is infantile, then it is very difficult for you to trust him and count on his help. He can be very sweet and charming person, but you will constantly be in a state of uncertainty, because you can expect any trick from him.

The role of a parent being imposed on you in an equal relationship can annoy you, because in this case you do not get an equal partnership.

If you yourself are infantile, then your life is like chaos or resembles a story about broken dreams. You constantly need someone who can support you - without it you are like a train that has derailed.

By remaining infantile, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to fully realize yourself in life. You don't know who you really are because you're dependent on the people you've put in charge of your life.

Living next to an infantile partner is very tiring. If your partner behaves in this way, the role of a parent is imposed on you. Gradually, you accumulate resentment and anger, and this does not contribute to a good relationship.

Why don't people want to grow up?

Many creative people remain children all their lives. This helps them keep their perception fresh. Moving away from the problems of the outer world, they can fully focus on the inner world.

But, as life shows, not all creative people are infantile, just as not all infantile people doing creative work.

The causes of infantile behavior of adults are formed in childhood.

Infantilism is an unconscious reaction to circumstances that make a person feel deprived of his childhood. What are these circumstances?

The child was thrown into adulthood too early. For example, when the parents die, when one of the parents leaves, when the parents are very busy, if it was necessary to take care of younger children, if the parents were alcoholics, etc.

In such a child, resentment against adults for the stolen childhood accumulates in the subconscious. Therefore, in adulthood, he continues to play the role of a child, compensating for his lost childhood.

Overbearing parents. If the parents controlled the child all the time, punished for the slightest offense, a person grows out of such a child who is not able to observe any public rules He rebels all the time.

It can be said that he is always in adolescence and proves to others the right to self-expression.

The child felt abandoned as a child. If a person did not feel warmth and care, he can compensate for this deficiency by acting like a child. He seems to say to others: "Take care of me!"

When you constantly remind him what needs to be done, take responsibility for his actions, you thereby behave like a parent, take care of him ... That is, you do what he was deprived of.

In childhood, parents simply "strangled" the child with their love. For example, a mother sat at home all day and saw no other meaning in life than to please her child. She didn't let him take one independent decision, too patronized him. As an adult, he retained the helplessness of a child.

Thus, the partner is trying to manipulate you: playing out of himself helpless and dependent, he makes you feel guilty. You can't leave the unfortunate, can you?

Why did you contact the "child"?

By posing as a savior, you experience a sense of superiority, but at the same time "hide" from own problems. Remember that by your parenting behavior you can make normal person a real helpless monster.

One of my clients complained that her husband was a real punishment. He constantly complains, gets sick, does nothing around the house and is constantly in different kind depressions. He behaves with her like a mother, and with other women he tries to seem like a real man.

After the conversation, we found out that she takes care of him too obsessively, takes on the solution of all his problems. By her controlling behavior, she deprived her husband of any opportunity to express himself and led him to dependency and helplessness, which, in turn, caused him a serious illness.

Simply put, with her care, she manipulated him and forced him to remain helpless. And he, in turn, in order not to take responsibility further, manipulated her, continuing to hurt endlessly, because this was the only way he could attract attention to himself.

If you constantly feel responsible for the relationship and for your partner, feel sorry for him, afraid that he will disappear without you, then you are inclined to the role of a rescuer.

Rescuers are constantly choosing partners to help. They find a person who seems to them vulnerable, fragile, abandoned, unhappy, helpless, and surround him with warmth, tenderness, care.

The partner responds with gratitude, and the rescuer feels like a hero. It is very difficult to get out of such relationships, because you always think that the reward is just around the corner. The subconscious feeling of guilt that prompted you to enter into a relationship of this kind does not allow you to get out of them, even when a person realizes his mistake.

Here are the reasons that may underlie this behavior:

You "pay off" your children's debts. Perhaps one of your parents suffered from a lack of attention, care, love, and you once tried to help him. This may be in the event of a divorce or the death of one of the spouses. Now you are trying to make up for this lack of love by saving your partner.

You want to feel superior and important. When you connect with a partner whose life is chaotic, you immediately begin to feel better, smarter, more efficient. By taking on the role of a hero, you turn a blind eye to your own shortcomings and weaknesses.

If the "child" is your partner

Give your partner the freedom to decide on his fate. Remember that excessive care can change your partner not in better side. By making a person helpless, you yourself become dependent on him.

Guilt is a bad foundation for building relationships. Teach your partner how to cope with problems on their own, show him the way - and step aside. Ask him for help more often and give him time to give you support.

Only you can decide whether you should accept the imposed role of a parent or not. Just give up the desire to control everything and learn to trust your partner.

Try to be a little yourself in the role of a child, pretend to be helpless, and you will see how your infantile partner will be transformed.

If "child" is you

If you yourself do not grow up in any way, then, first of all, you need to decide on your life goals. As disgusting as it may seem to you, you will have to take the time to describe your life goals and plans.

Formulate goals in each of the areas: personal life, finances (desired income, important purchases), career, leisure, etc.

First, focus on small and easily achievable goals, then move on to more global ones.

If you find it difficult to cope with planning on your own, contact a specialist or take special training in goal setting. When order reigns in your head, balance will come in your soul, and then in life.

Now (during the crisis) we often have to deal with human infantilism. The loss of a job, the deterioration of the financial situation of many people lead to the idea that someone is to blame for this and must answer.

People demand to return the work and give money. They hate their employers and consider them enemies. Dependent life position leads to increased demands on other people, but not on yourself.

People do not think at all about the fact that it is employers who come up with a business, implement it, thanks to which they create new jobs, with the help of which people provide themselves with material benefits.

If such a person is told "You are free, do what you want", he will be completely confused and will not know what to do. The only thing he knows how to do is look for someone to cling to, be it more successful people or organizations.

A mature person will be primarily concerned with what he can do, not what others have to do for him.

Responsibility, of course, is not an easy matter, but still life gives much more to those people who determine their own path, not waiting for years for the appearance of a goldfish.

Live full life avoiding responsibility is impossible. Only a mature attitude to life allows a person to do what he wants, while remaining himself.

Ekaterina Gorshkovapsychologist-consultant

Discussion

02/20/2011 08:11:36 am

Comment on the article "Eternal children: how to live with them?"

It seems to me that this is for those children who agree to remain forever the children in the family - that is, the mother decides everything, but they do not mind. Everyone is trying to "live their own life" - both parents and children, and if this is done on the same square, then neither savings nor help will come out, one irritation.

Discussion

Your advantages easily become disadvantages for parents, for example, who do not want to help care for / look after their grandchildren. To pamper - yes, but to educate and care - no.

And you even have such terrible words as "constant help".

Now, if you wrote that the pluses are constant help to your parents or spouse, constant care for them, then there would probably be a chance.

And so unbelievable. Since when they look first of all only from their own bell tower - which is beneficial to me personally, and not to those with whom I am going to live, then nothing good comes of it.

Will you be able to take care of your spouse's mom / dad without objection if they become seriously ill? There will be no more talk of childcare assistance. After all living together with parents, it's a two-way street. And things can turn out any way you like.

I am 44, husband, 3 sons, school year From September to May we live with my mother. Mainly because I acutely understand how little she has left and now I sincerely want to be with her, these are our last years. With age, I began to understand how everything is fleeting, shaky, that for 6 years now dad has left us and mom is all there is.

(Ex: Another fool) from the bottom topic. What do you think - should parents live "for the sake of children", sometimes it happens with clenched teeth from hatred. If a man was able to make a decision about marriage and the birth of children, then he can also divorce. 02/06/2015 11:54:38, Eternal Spring.

Discussion

If this is real _victim_ for the sake of children, then, most likely, this will begin to affect the attitude of the donor to the child. Because the child will not appreciate this sacrifice. And invaluable large victims - they greatly corrode the soul ...

Definitely, people have the right, and should! - arrange your personal life. It will be for the good of all.

Contrary to the statement of the classic “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” I undertake to outline some typical features. Because there are more and more unhappy families, and given a certain freedom (freedom from ...) of the modern way of life, they, families, are increasingly breaking up. More and more lonely people. In youth, loneliness seems to be a temporary state: I get married (an option is to get married), and here it is, happiness! Of course, you will have to work hard to build the right harmonious relationship ...

Medvedeva I.Ya., Shishova T.L. ... It is also striking that such a paradox seems to be striking: often a newly-made businessman's relationship with his wife deteriorates, although, it would seem, everything should be the other way around. After all, the house is now a full bowl and there are opportunities to please the wife either with an expensive fashionable thing, or with an unprecedented delicacy, or with a comfortable rest. But when all this becomes habitual (and, as you know, you get used to good things quickly), the notorious eternal values ​​come to the fore: love, fidelity, friendship...

Discussion

Somehow really text from the 90s. Well, I will only believe that one out of 10,000 children lives like this, and even then in Moscow.

20-25 years too late. And the audience is not the same.

And why post everything in a row, without even delving into what is in the text? Just wondering.

The attitude of my ex-husband towards children depresses me ... and his constant claims that I am "immersed in my personal life" :/ He has been unemployed since April, transferred 1/3 of the severance pay (60tr) in May, then did not pay anything for 3 months , took the writ of execution to the bailiffs, since August he began to transfer 9tr (1/3 of the average salary in the country) Recently, the small one asked his dad when he would go to work, to which he received the answer: "I have 7 million, I can no longer work, in general" :(Large...

Discussion

Your and my bm are not brothers by any chance? Our dad thinks the same way. Like you wanted a divorce, you got it. Now all your problems. And I will take care of the kids.
We ended up arguing for a long time. Clarified the order of communication in court. He demanded a schedule for himself. 6 court sessions, plus another regional court. With this feather, it was when the youngest daughter, not his, was 10 days old. He never showed up on schedule. Never!!!
Goes to school regularly. On voprls, how does he not deal with his son - he answers, they say he is forbidden to approach them, and even more so to zhanimatsya. Fin issue was resolved long ago. Alimony has been reset. And soyustvenno he does not owe us anything already. Just like we eat. Therefore, children do not go to him, just from the time of the courts. Children, teachers, a school psychologist, a head teacher were invited to the courts .... oh, what happened ... well, in the end, they had no problems at all. I also have less, because I myself raise children. And then I would punish them, and he leads around the cinema cafe, like talking .... and why the punishment .... and he can’t help with the lessons, because he doesn’t live together, and therefore he only communicates
Babshuk from the other side, after the divorce, even on the street, stopped greeting children, even when they were alone ....

So I didn’t understand, on the evening of 17 the conversation took place)? or not

Meeting the Morozovs at the railway station [link-1] regional branches Parental All-Russian Resistance (RVS). A resident of one of the villages of the Uvelsky district Chelyabinsk region Svetlana applied to the RVS in February. The year before last, life forced Svetlana to leave with her son for Novosibirsk region, where she became a victim of a simulated combination of district guardianship authorities and unknown ...

Discussion

I also want to say that blood and adoptive families DO NOT oppose each other. The second is just designed to replace the first for a TIME. Therefore, there is no sensation in the transfer of a child to a blood family, this is the NORM. This is not two mothers fighting each other, but rather not the fulfillment by the natural mother of the rules required for reunification with the child: this is a set of documents proving that she can now raise him.

After reading up to "The foster family receives a lot of money for the child," I quit reading. This is a story from a cycle one grandmother told on a bench.

DISCIPLINE. When raising children, remember that you are laying the foundation for their future character traits. Discipline is welcome everywhere, in every family. Children need to be properly disciplined. Think about how often your children, before doing something, consult with you? Children need a certain order in their lives. Discipline is an integral part of the proper development of a child. The more time parents spend raising their kids, the more they will feel...

Section: Fathers and children (life with mother). about life with mom. Mom lives with me, moved her from the province to sit with her youngest daughter. If my grandmother were eternal, I would try to send my son there at least for a few months a year 02/24/2014 10...

Discussion

Oh, slippers will fly at me now ...
But the topic is burning and relevant for me.
I don’t need to sit with anyone, everyone has grown up and is independent. I just live with my mom. She's not with me - I'm with her. Not because there is nowhere to live. Because there is no one else. Mom will hit 63. Young)) Nasty :)))) Either she diagnoses cancer according to descriptions from the Internet, then she will require a thousand for two hundred :) 120 kg of happiness.
I sometimes come home from work, and from the doorstep news comes to me about who Basque slept with there, or Dzhigarkhanyan with this one of hers, like her ... Cymbalina-Vitalina. And immediately nervous pruritus - maam, well, why? But why? I'm tired, I'd like some tea now ... Or warm up borscht ... The younger sister - she somehow manages to bark from the same threshold. And mom shuts up.
And recently I thought about death. The fact that everyone understands: one day it will all end. And Dzhigarkhanyan, and the weather in the province, and everything that is important for you and at this very moment.
It's very scary. When you are already over ..., and you have lived a lot. When you go to bed with a blood pressure pill, a blood circulation pill, a ginkgo biloba pill, a cholesterol / atherosclerotic (or whatever) pill #### . Will you wake up? You will not be, but life will not stop there. And you hide your fears, driving them away ... In general, everyone has their own drives.
I bought my mom a laptop. There are mosaics, hidden object quests, the opportunity to read latest news. I look at her sometimes and understand: yes, it’s impossible to sit down and sit in hell, but who knows what I will be like in 20 years, and will I live? And how is she now? Maybe you can run away from diseases with the help of healthy lifestyle life and maintaining yourself with all these aspirins-egiloks, but it doesn’t work out so that for good ...
She is my mom. Whatever she is... Whatever stupid things (in my opinion) she says... I myself will become old one day. Probably. Or maybe I won't be able to. But I want to protect her from that fear. I want her to know that she will never be alone. She will always have someone to tell about the weather, climate, stars, Trump, Baskov and Pugachev.
Please don't think of mom only as a source of help with children. The more trust, attention and time she gets from you, the calmer she will be. We are not here in #### America, where it is accepted that from 18 every man for himself. We were brought up differently. Grandparents, bedtime stories, traditions to help with children and grandchildren ... And would we really want another for ourselves? I agree, there are families in which the mother is a viper, but such a one will not be called to look after their children. I'm looking forward to my nephews, and my mother groans that they will be a pack of bawlers and finally shake her nervous system:))) But we will survive. Because I love her. Young and nasty :)))

02/23/2018 03:41:59 PM, Kroli's mom

1. Soup is not discharged from my apartment ... He promised until October 1, already on the 10th, to my questions "why and when ?!" replies "difficulties arose, soon" I found a sample claim for recognition as having lost the right to use the living quarters and deregistration, if I don’t get out by Monday, I will go to court ... 2. After the maramoyka moved to our house, my mother refused to come to us .. He says that he is afraid of not restraining himself at a meeting, pulls the maramoyka by the hair, spit in the soup's face ... Now ...

Discussion

One less problem...
In the morning the soup called, casually said that today he was receiving a passport with a new registration ...
There is no need to run to court again - it is already easier! :)
And we also legalized our unauthorized buildings in the village!
Now it remains to divide the "home ownership" in half, sell it, and one more controversial issue will be closed! :D

The children spent the whole day yesterday with soup and maramoika, I was working, and I received pictures via WhatsApp: the children were sitting in the cinema (they watched Stalingrad), the children were eating rolls in Planet Sushi, the children were riding cars in the park ...
We spent the second half of the day at their house, ate delicious food, studied everything, played chess, returned calm and talkative:
I didn’t like that “dad gave the maramoya an iPad 4, and she also begs for a fur coat” :(
I liked that "dad does not smile at her and constantly" spy "like us" :)

Tonight we agreed to take a walk in dry weather or play table tennis - in wet ...
Can we really coexist peacefully in the same house?! O_O

Did the topic help? What if yes?

Last night, after the children returned from the camp, the festive dinner and the departure of the soup, the children said that dad suggested that they go to the cinema on the weekend "four of them, along with his new aunt, because he loves her very much, soon they will live together, and he wants to introduce them to each other" O_O The children refused with the words "the four of us want to go only with you and mom", the soup did not insist ... The children "want to see dad, not dad in the company of another aunt", as they told me explained your answer... I...

Discussion

On the own experience. The husband (already ex) introduced our children of 9 and 4 years old to his beloved when we were still married. The children liked her, of course: she also wanted to impress them: a kind, affectionate aunt. Because my husband immediately moved in with her from our house, then he took the children to her for the weekend. The children were not opposed: she pampered them. I freaked out and took sedatives. And so far (they have not signed yet), she behaves like this. There are excesses: he calls my eldest and says how much he misses him, how he loves, he is waiting for a visit. I immediately call my husband (used) and say not to mislead the children, in my opinion this is a farce ... He listens, she does not call for a while, but writes to her son in classmates ... In short , go with the flow. The situation is simplified by the fact that now her son will live with her - 7 years old, and the children are by no means friends, he also calls BM "dad", which angers mine))) Good luck, wisdom and patience !!!

And how was the word "maromoyka" born? Who is this anyway? "Soup" - of course, it's short for "husband". And "maromoyka"?

The closer August 10th, the worse it is that the children will decide to live with soup, and I will be left all alone ... Over the weekend there were three of us in our unfinished country house, trodden paths in the weeds, pumped water so that the well would not silt up, fried a barbecue, played checkers and darts, we were not lucky with the weather ... I try to talk with them, find out their mood, the younger one says: I"... The elder says that dad promised him "to buy her share from my mother, to bring this house to mind, if ...

Discussion

And I would let go (. Children with dad. Let them live. They will see what and how. If they really are better with dad than with you, then I'm sorry, it's your own fault. And if this is not the case, they will live and return. In the meantime, you you will jump around children with tambourines, and they will intervene in adult questions and manipulate you through Wishlist, the situation will only get worse

08/06/2013 15:49:31, Zlyuka_Beaver

Why without them? You are a mother. We must decide for ourselves and for our children. All these pseudo-concerns about what is best lead to what is worse. You love your husband. Therefore, you cannot forgive, you cannot accept his choice, you cannot accept that children can be comfortable with dad. You are tormented by a wild bunch of questions. At the same time, you do not have a single solution, there is no strategy. They wrote to you correctly that you need to develop a plan of action, not to suffer everything at once, but to decide what is more important at the moment. Understand yourself, you will later. For now, persuade yourself and watch this story from the side. the main objective something you need to work on is being with the kids. Don't let them make their own decisions. This is wrong in this situation. They are also very upset and torn out of the usual circle of things. Tell them - you stay with me, you will see your dad when you want it. He is yours forever. What is there to talk about? Why do children ask who they want to stay with??? Well this is a mockery of them, not an adult approach. Therefore, to the question "with whom" you received such an answer. They cannot make such a decision. Because this is pain. You must give in to the children in something, but what you want now or why you can’t, leave it. This is the next stage. Until then, take care of your children. Finish talking about your rival, this is your past, your husband's present, leave this sore subject. Sorry for a lot and chaotically, but even just touched your topic.

I also lived a measured life for many years, work, child, eternal problems- lack of money, rented apartment. The last time I spoke with them was when they were wandering between the two cities, they were just starting to live as a family.

Discussion

A man will find you, do not work hard and love yourself!

You know, you can just happen to meet a man on the street. Yes, and on the dating site, many find husbands. I have two girlfriends really found. True, not for the first day and not even in the first week. Everything takes time. Yes, just change your life. To find a worthy man you need to match. Go to classes, dance, go to the gym

Once upon a time, someone wrote here that you yourself choose how to live - to live completely as a child and become the eternal mother of a disabled person. Katya doesn’t like to work with me either :)) Our children somehow distinguish, what is special people to work with them...

Discussion

My son is 10 years old, moderate MR, the same rare genetic syndrome. I want to say that from 2 to 4.5 years old he had no visible progress at all in the presence of constant classes, I remember this very well, because I was terribly worried about this. When there are no shifts for so long, and you don’t know what to expect, doubts are natural. But then, little by little, things began to move - they correctly said that we need to look for "your" specialists, by this time we had changed three or four - and nothing, but with the fifth - it worked :) At 5.5, he said the first words, although we were already predicted a "speechless" child, at 6 he began to speak simple sentences. Then the second leap, to school, at the age of 8 in mental development. Now studying at correctional school, a class for children with complex structure defect, assimilates the material during constant studies with a specialist, a nanny and me (only mathematics is not given to us). But now new stage- understanding yourself as a separate person, difficult for us, but interesting.
I wanted to confirm the idea already expressed that development is stepwise, sometimes with long, long breaks in these leaps :) And you are still so small, and everything is still ahead of you. And, of course, it is very early to think that your son will always be at the level where he is now. Probably, let's be realistic, you will not stretch to the norm - but I assure you, you will be surprised many, many times over by his advances and successes.

Heh ... probably I’ll have to leave the leukoteka, at least until the birth (((today I barely dragged him there, then I barely dragged him back, all evening in bed (((it’s very scary for the baby (((

Probably, there are few children who do not like to watch cartoons. For children, cartoons are a magical opportunity to plunge into a fairy tale. According to psychologists, for a child, the hero of his favorite cartoons is the second most important authority after his parents, a kind of role model, and therefore a rather powerful educational tool. On-screen heroes have a vivid effect on children's imagination, show how to behave in a given situation. Children often copy the behavior and speech of cartoons ...

Doesn't it bother you that we are preparing children for life in a world that does not yet exist and about which we know nothing? Unlike the generations of our mothers and grandmothers, we do not even have the illusion that we know what skills they need, what profession to choose. We can only say for sure that things will not be the same as before. Everything will change quickly. And our experience most likely will not be useful to our children. How do you decide for yourself - what to choose for a child, what to focus on, which university to prefer?

Discussion

I don’t choose, I don’t direct, I’ll figure it out myself. But for now, the child (he is 15) gravitates toward a profession that has existed for thousands of years and that one of his grandfathers and one great-grandfather had (and which I didn’t like at all before, but since the child chose it, I like it more and more).

There is no life for me without children. Men come and go, but children are eternal. And it's up to you to decide anyway. Well, of course, this is very bad! Children really do not like when their relatives do not live with them!

Discussion

Dear Natalia!
I read your message and recognize myself, my misfortune. It's been a year since I left for another man from a family where I lived for 10 years. The fact is that in that family, relations gradually faded away. I went to work, became a respected person in the company, and my husband remained at a low start. Without education and having an unsociable character, in general 2 recent years I sat at home, all day loitering from the TV to the computer. The word "work" horrified him, and all attempts to help him in this led to a scandal. In the evening, when I got home from work, I did my usual food and household chores. All the time I felt that plowing in two shifts did not suit me, I was tired of being a draft horse, because I had bags on me. As a result, this man ceased to be uninteresting to me and I met another who was successful, kind and completely solved all my problems. I felt needed and loved by a woman. I don’t know how long this would have gone on if one night my husband hadn’t raised his hand to me and humiliated me morally, so that it was no longer possible to stay in this house. The next morning I packed my things and left. But the daughter stayed. After all, it was September 18 and I did not dare to transfer a first grader to another school. Yes, and she did not go with me, she got used to communicate more with her father over the years, and for everyone I was just a workhorse. I am still happy with this man, but my conscience haunts me, I was tortured by longing and constant tears in the evenings. Ex-husband calls back, I already don’t know what it’s better not to be the child needs Sunday mom, but happy woman or a full-fledged parent who sees how the child grows and can touch and kiss him every day. I am afraid that the child will feel inferior, knowing that everyone has a mother nearby, but he does not. Tell Natalia how time judged you, because 6 years have passed!

The argument: "we lived like this and nothing, much better - the child has a normal psyche - because he communicates all the time and does not sit alone in an empty apartment while his parents are not at home" - they lived with their parents all their lives.

Discussion

In my opinion, your "remarks" and claims against your wife's parents are unconvincing. If only their retirement age and, in your opinion, "nearness" annoy you, then this will not be solved even if you move. You, first of all, need to overcome your exclusivity, and if your parents are "more modern" and younger, grandparents, then you probably have or were of that age. There is only the thought that your family did not treat elders properly or did not instill this respect in you. I do not know many examples of successful cohabitation of parents and children, but they exist, and above all, the success of well-being is mutual RESPECT. If your own separate housing is beyond your means now, then - earn money - your wife's parents just provide you with this opportunity - helping to raise your child and giving you the opportunity to live in their apartment. And it’s not for you to start a conversation about the exchange, at least this should come from the wife, but as a decisive opinion - from the parents. So "rebuild" yourself - you have good relatives - they "do not salt" you in your family life (as is often the case), and with such a disrespectful attitude towards your wife's parents, you and your wife show disrespect and the question arises - how are they " narrow-minded "parents were able to raise such a wonderful daughter, whom you chose as your wife??? :-)
So "work" on yourself!

07/13/2001 10:16:42 AM, Nata*sha

Kole, conscientiously read the entire topic and really (well, just really) I wanted to say a couple of "gentle" words addressed to you.
First. You will never be the boss. At least a good boss. Since the latter has to work with very different people, including with people whose way of life and thoughts differs significantly from yours. If you are not able to patiently explain to a person how to pay for a cell phone, then these are your problems. And the ability to talk to people and calmly defend your point of view is worth a lot.
Second. Whether or not you leave your parents, you will divorce your wife anyway. Since you admit such an idea, and even in the context - either a separation or a divorce, then there is nothing good to expect here. Yes, and more. Over the years, we become a copy of our parents (loved or unloved) - you also think about this.
And now the lyrics. Why don't you actually live with your wife in the country. Far drive? But she is a beloved wife. Yes, and full of people who all year round spends four hours on the road.
All questions with parents regarding separate living should be decided by your wife. If she really wants it, she will get it. Otherwise, nothing shines for you, you will go to live separately in splendid isolation. And infantilism is actually very difficult. If you broke firewood (married without getting on your feet, and even got a baby), there is nothing to set conditions now, this is the simplest, it is more difficult to learn to love yourself a little less.

At the same time, the second daughter (29 years old) lives with them and mommy takes at her own expense something to sit when she gets sick! WRITE IN YOUR OWN, otherwise they will kick us out because they have digressed from the topic, although the topic is the eternal fathers and children, the most family one. Indeed, children should not ...

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:-)))))) Well, people have problems .. Sorry, this is just my opinion - but you have NO problems. And you don’t have to go to the dacha. dig. And go with your dacha ".. Once again, sorry for the harshness.

Well you give! You have everything, but you are FORCED to spend the summer at their dacha. Well, rent a summer house, go to a rest home, there are a lot of different ways out of this situation.
BUT the older generation, indeed, in the country it WORKS. And by the way, he gets a kick out of it. I just felt it in my own skin...