Solo life: experiment or new reality? The feeling of loneliness harms not only your mental state, but also your physical state. Loneliness shortens life

Liana Gergeli

Director of Branded Content at W Magazine.

I go to the cinema alone. I visit museums alone. I dine alone (and yes, I have resisted the temptation to scroll through my Instagram feed while I wait for my order). I sit alone in a coffee shop and leaf through a magazine. I take a train ticket alone and go to new town where I walk all alone.

I understand that this may seem very strange. You probably think that I'm a nice weirdo, and also very lonely. It's funny, but I was much more lonely before I started spending time by myself. The constant feeling that I was not at ease, and the feeling that I needed the people around me like air - this was loneliness. Feeling constant anxiety and the fear that the guy will leave me - this is loneliness. And spending time alone is peace. It is interesting. And it raises. And now I will tell you how I learned to spend time alone.

1. Just do it. And don't try to look cool

Everyone is tired of Nike's cliche, but still Just do it. Since this all started. How embarrassing it was to go to the cinema alone for the first time and sit there with a backpack on the next chair, pretending to other cinema visitors that the guy went out for drinks and was about to return. This feeling will pass, as will the fear of people who supposedly think something about why you spend time alone.

Don't try to be cool in front of others. Most likely, you will never meet these strangers again in your life, and they will discuss the film, not you.

2. Make a list of your favorite things. And don't wait for anyone

I realized that I should spend time by myself when there were things I wanted to do, but the friends who could keep me company were always busy or had other plans.

If your favorite band is about to play the only gig in town and none of your friends can go, don't waste your chance to make your dream come true. You can wait forever for others to be free, and in the end realize that the moment has passed. Plus, planning something for yourself doesn't require a bunch of messaging and wacky .

So take a piece of paper and write down every single thing you love and would love to do but never did because there was no one around. Now this excuse is not accepted.

3. Schedule. Don't cancel your plans

Once a week I include in my schedule an evening that I will spend alone. This means that I'll go to the movies alone or I'll wallow in pajamas and re-watch "Sex in big city". The line in the schedule serves as written confirmation that I should please myself, and will help me not to change my plans if something unexpected happens. I do not want to refuse friends, but now I am learning to be my own friend.

It's a great relief to have one evening devoted exclusively to yourself, when you don't have to worry about whether all your friends' plans will coincide, when you don't have to leave the house if you want to lie on the couch. I spend time with myself and do what I do. No stress. None difficult decisions. It's easy and doable. And most importantly, this is a chance to be honest with yourself: to decide what I really want, and what is easier said than done.

Last year I got lonely own will. Not because of circumstances. Not because no one wanted to communicate with me or I could not find a suitable companion.

A lot of people find it hard to believe that I refuse to date. And often I look weird to my grumpy old aunt or college friends.

Why do some people choose to be single of their own accord? To spend time alone? Am I losing important part life if I don't meet on Tinder and don't go on dates? What if that one walked by and I didn't notice because I was too busy with myself?

I'm not ashamed of my loneliness to say out loud that dating myself has been the most stable, non-anxious, relaxing relationship imaginable. No need to wait for a response to a message (or agonize over whether my message was too flirtatious, too demanding, too wordy), and never even thought that the other person might misunderstand me.

This does not mean that I am not going to date other people in the future - I definitely will. But now I know for sure that the relationship that I managed to build with myself is the relationship that I would like with another person. I am kind, patient, affectionate. I laugh at my mistakes and forgive myself for my transgressions. With such a person I would like to be close and, I hope, I will be.

Regardless of our desires and efforts, whether we strive for it or consciously avoid it, life has many surprises on its saucer. And one of the most insidious and unexpected gifts of fate is the state of loneliness. Such a present can be a natural consequence of failed and obsolete relationships or be a terrible result of a protracted illness that has deprived us of our usual activity. The loneliness of a person can be a mournful result of the death of a loved one or the end of a long-term friendship with a hypocritical traitor friend.

Most of us perceive the unforeseen, mind-consuming feeling of loneliness as an extremely frightening joke, as a truly hellish test. The problem of loneliness penetrates into our brain so deeply that the will is paralyzed, the desire to live disappears. However, is it really so terrible the machinations of the devil - loneliness, or our mutilated thinking is not able to interpret this state in a different way? Let's try to understand the essence of loneliness.

The essence of loneliness
Why are we so afraid of living alone? Because of the artificial stereotypes imposed on us by the human community: to be alone outside the crowd means to become a loser. In a society that exists on the principles of collective creativity and competitive competitiveness, loneliness is condemned. state, church, social institutions tirelessly invent ways to prevent the remoteness of individual elements and create the illusion of community, identity, wholeness. Separate fragments of humanity are assembled into a complete picture not by their own right of choice, but by lawmaking, moral canons, professional rules, religious beliefs. The human flock is quickly formed due to active stimulation in the form of mass “barkers and entertainment”, and attempts to live outside the herd are nipped in the bud.

A newborn offspring absorbs with mother's milk the need to belong to a group. Growing up, a person receives many reinforcements in the advantages of being surrounded by brothers in mind: these are both compliments and sound own name, and friendly help, and the opportunity to cry in the vest. Indeed, how can you maintain solitude here when your friends are clapping on the shoulder, and your enemies are tripping you up. So a habit has formed: to find peace, surrounding yourself, if not with completely empathetic persons, but at least with people who create an indifferent look.
The loneliness that has fallen on our heads does not at all correspond to our worldview and requires costs to adapt to a new status, that is, it insists on active fundamental changes in thinking that we simply do not want to carry out. So a deadly despondency seizes a lazy person, and disappear vitality.

Another reason why we are blown away by sudden loneliness also lies in the benefits of belonging to the herd. When they make noise around, poison the body, argue, grind the bones, all the attention of the individual is riveted to external events. These external stimuli distract us from the study of their inner demons, which the contemporary has acquired of his own free will. As soon as there is a moment of calm in the surrounding storm and the hours for solitude fall out, all this fiend leaves its comfortable abode and begins to torment us with unusual thoughts.
We are so afraid of living alone, because we are not trained to clean up our souls and take care of inner harmony. It is easier and more habitual for us to drive our fears deeper, not to pay attention to the demands of the heart: to figure out who you really are, what is your purpose on Earth. We dismiss our own experiences, and the innate thick skin allows us to contain the intensity of passions.

To create a stronger barrier, we make thousands of friends in social networks, we participate in useless comradely drinking parties, we go to the rally with posters. Such construction of a social web creates an imaginary confidence in the meaningfulness of our existence. But such protection will immediately collapse as soon as we find ourselves in unforeseen loneliness. And the real horror sets in.
Another fact that explains why we suffer so much in loneliness, and it is difficult for us to survive parting with a loved one, is a stupid faith, or rather: a “pink dream”. From childhood, we were hammered into the head that there is true friendship, in the world your soulmate is sure to roam, and on life path you will definitely meet a kindred, all understanding soul. These tales of strong friendship and divine love become the measure of human happiness, and loneliness in them is a terrible vice.

People begin to fight their own loneliness at the expense of the presence of other people. However, loneliness natural state any living being. Any breathing creation comes on White light alone and leaves this world on its own. Parents, friends, husbands and wives, children are just fellow travelers on our journey of life, whom we invite into our unique world, but they cannot share our isolated world.
No one, not even the closest and native person, unable to think, feel, experience like we do. Everyone exists in their own reality and sees the world with their own eyes. After all, no one who has ever lived looked at reality through the eyes of others, and therefore is not able to fully understand the unique essence of another person. The understanding addressed to us by close people is just their expression of feelings, which cannot be identical to our feelings.

Such an awareness of one's own uniqueness, the understanding that it is basically impossible to have a person nearby who is able to fully perceive and reflect you, causes unusual sensations. Surely, such a discovery bestows sadness and regret. However, over time inner world transformed, filled with a sense of true freedom and independence. After all, now there is no need to seek someone else's understanding, there is no need to prove one's case, it is illogical to reproach oneself for not understanding other people. From now on, there is no need to suffer from your loneliness, to strive by any means to resolve problems in relationships, just to keep your loved one. You understand that you can live fully and happily after the death of your spouse. This revelation is possible due to the realization that you do not owe anything to anyone, you yourself are responsible for your reality.

How to rethink your loneliness: practical steps
Loneliness is time for yourself. And if such a state came after an irretrievable loss loved one, you should not withdraw into yourself and get hung up on the experience of grief. Of course understanding true essence loneliness will not come immediately: it takes time to accept yourself in new role. What to do after the death of a spouse or divorce from her husband: we are guided by step-by-step instructions.

Step 1
It is necessary to unequivocally and unconditionally recognize one's own right to experience feelings of suffering for as long as necessary to reduce the intensity of grief. There is a confirmed fact: any person who has broken up or lost their closest partner needs certain period to get used to new circumstances. This need exists regardless of age, life experience, social status and health status. Everyone needs time to adapt.
During this period, others should not persistently persuade the affected subject to stop sobbing, mourning, regretting, blaming himself. A person must “ripen” himself to make a decision how he will continue to live in loneliness. In such a situation, one should show sincere attention, provide support, and not pester a person with unobtrusive advice.

Step 2
To get rid of the suffering and start to cost new life, we need to cleanse the soul of corrosive emotions. We can state our experiences aloud, shout them out loud somewhere in a secluded place. We can put our pain on paper and then burn the written confession. It is available to us to throw out the negative by exhausting jogging, energetic dancing or a long walk through the forest.

Step 3
Human memory is not equipped with on/off buttons. Therefore, it is impossible to disable the playback of stored information with a single movement of the hand. You should not make sudden movements, trying to remove all memories of your partner. A former life partner has every right to occupy an honorable place in personal history. However, returning to the resurrection of memories, we clearly understand that this is the past, it does not exist in the present, and will not be possible in the future.

Step 4
A great way to get rid of depressing loneliness is to choose a new goal and find fresh landmarks. Even those who are well over 40 should not be afraid to try themselves in a new role. Do not refuse tempting offers, reveal your potential in different fields. Even if the first attempt does not bring the desired success, new experience will give fresh sensations and improve mood.

Step 5
A useful measure some time after the death of a life partner: expand your social circle. You should not lock yourself in a monastic cell, you need to strive for people: make new acquaintances, find optimistic interlocutors, be in positive companies.
Meetings and communication not only distract a person from oppressive experiences, but also increase luggage personal experience, provide an opportunity to learn new skills and become wiser. As a result, the way of thinking is transformed, the pessimistic view changes to a positive perception of reality.

Step 6
A reasonable way out after parting with a loved one is to change the environment. Very often, the painful experience of impending loneliness arises due to the fact that the atmosphere in which the person resides radiates reminders of former satellite life. To eliminate such "signs from the past" it is necessary to radically transform the surrounding space.

Step 7
The ideal method for reassessing one's position is to go on a long journey. Touring famous places or staying at an exotic resort brings a number of obvious benefits: vivid impressions, lack of time for boredom, new acquaintances and meetings, a feeling of fullness of life. Even if the journey does not end with finding a soul mate, it will certainly help you return to a great mood and allow you to fresh eyes look at the essence of loneliness.

Remember, loneliness does not mean voluntary imprisonment self in a maximum security prison. Loneliness is a time to explore and transform your unique world.

Instruction

Loneliness as a state sometimes does not depend directly on the fact that you live alone. A person can live in a cramped communal apartment and feel deeply lonely. Similarly, loneliness is keenly felt in the crowd strangers or in someone else's unusual environment. This internal unpleasant state must be forced out, replacing it with more joyful feelings. Happy people do not experience loneliness, and happiness is also a state of mind.

It doesn't matter how you've lived so far, but if on this moment you are alone, try to take advantage of this. Independent life not tragedy, but pleasure. The main thing is to learn to be interesting to yourself. There are a lot of activities that can brighten up loneliness: you can read, listen to music at full volume, lie in the bathroom, invite girlfriends to visit, arrange bachelorette parties - in a word, do whatever you want.

Don't think that living alone is bad. Only married women condemn single women, for whom you are a potential rival, a possible seducer of their husbands. The women themselves, who live alone, are quite happy and happy with everything.

The main disadvantage of a lonely life is the lack of care for you. For example, no one will make tea with lemon for you, and you will have to go to the pharmacy to get medicines yourself. But do not forget that walks on fresh air, healthy lifestyle life and sports increase the body's resistance to disease.

Lonely life is freedom in the organization of life, regime. At first, complete independence brings its own difficulties: you must take on both male and female responsibilities around the house. But the habit is developed to everything. Loneliness brings not only complete freedom of action, but also a great opportunity for self-realization. You can give your all career growth.

Main Rule happy life alone - to love yourself deeply - the way you want someone to love you. Pamper yourself and do not forget to regularly communicate with friends and loved ones, then loneliness will not be scary at all.

People who ask the question "how not to think about loneliness?”, as a rule, are weighed down by this feeling. Most people strive to create strong family relations, and if this process does not add up, you need to understand the reasons.

Instruction

First of all, ask yourself the question: what is loneliness for you? There may be several answers. If this state is temporary for you, then in order not to think about it, treat it as an opportunity to rest and gather strength before new meetings, emotions and relationships. When time without constant relationships and obligations is used as an opportunity to be alone with yourself and, in some way, enjoy your sensations, loneliness ceases to be a burden and begins to bring pleasure.

If you are not one of those people, has become your constant companion, try to write on paper why you are in this situation. In most cases, people answer that this is because they are ugly, unsuccessful, uninteresting, unlucky, etc. In fact, all these definitions say one thing: you do not love yourself. Realize this and accept it as a fact, this is what you have to work on.

Why are more and more people choosing loneliness as a lifestyle? Does seclusion release you from obligations? How do singles change society itself? What does loneliness mean today and why is it no longer a shame to live alone? We get acquainted with the book “Life solo. The New Social Reality” by New York University Ph.D. Eric Kleinenberg and understand unique realities XXI century.

Even 50 years ago, choosing to live alone was associated with something marginal and unnatural. Practically from birth, everyone received the mindset that living alone is not only strange and condemnable, but also dangerous. Exaggeratedly, this idea appeared in the dystopian film The Lobster (2015), according to the plot of which loners were prosecuted by law, and everyone who wanted, but did not find a mate, was turned into an animal and released into the forest.

Indeed, even some 100 years ago, the inability to get married was considered a real grief, and tens of thousands of years before that, punishment in the form of expulsion from the community was often perceived as a measure much more terrible than the death penalty.

Today, more and more people consciously go into free swimming - refuse marriage, live and even travel alone. For example, in 1950, only 22% of Americans lived alone, today more than 50% of US citizens choose to live solo.

How can one explain the rapid abolition of the set of traditions and rules previously honored throughout the world? Kleinenberg argues that at least four factors have contributed to the transformation of modern society: the emancipation of women, social networks, changing urban spaces, and increased life expectancy.

Indeed, for the first time in history, modern realities are such that each individual is a full-fledged cog in the economy, thanks to which the housing market has appeared great amount proposals for bachelors. Women's emancipation allows you to make a decision to marry and have children without a threat to your future, and an increase in life expectancy leads to the fact that one of the spouses inevitably outlives the other and is not always ready to connect his life with a new person.

Thus, loneliness today takes on a completely different meaning than it did 50 or 60 years ago. Now the right to live solo is a deeply personal and completely adequate decision, which is resorted to by millions of people on the planet.

However, despite the fact that physically secluded life has become accessible, there are still many stereotypes around loners. You need to understand that today solo life does not mean complete isolation. Thanks to the Internet and the opportunity to work from home, singles are immersed in an active social life. What's more, studies show that most single people have more fulfilling lives than their married counterparts. First of all, this is due to the fact that new image life is a choice healthy selfishness, that is, the time intended for oneself.

“Masses of people decided on this social experiment because, in their view, such a life corresponds to the key values ​​of modernity - individual freedom, personal control and the desire for self-realization, that is, values ​​​​that are important and dear to many people. adolescence. Living alone gives us the opportunity to do what we want, when we want it and on the terms we set ourselves.”

This common position today comes into conflict with the traditional model of behavior. At the same time, it is known that those who marry or have children only because “it’s necessary”, without too much reflection, often condemn those who choose a life “without obligations”, regardless of their personal level happiness. Meanwhile, sociological observations show:

“... people who have never been married are not only no less happy than those who are married, but also feel much happier and less lonely than those who have divorced or lost a spouse. ... All those who have divorced or separated from your spouse will confirm that there is no lonelier life than living with a person you do not love.

Friends and relatives of singles are often worried and want to find their soul mate as soon as possible, get a job in the office, or see their loved ones more often. In fact, those loners for whom solitude is a personal choice are not outsiders and do not suffer. From the point of view of psychology, the one who is not bored with himself is a whole person, not prone to destructive codependency. Kleinenberg notes:

“In fact, the increase in the number of people living alone has nothing to do with whether Americans feel lonely or not. There are many studies open to the public that prove that the feeling of loneliness depends on the quality, not the quantity, of social contacts. What is important here is not the fact that a person lives alone, it is important whether he feels lonely.

In addition, it is quite obvious that today we are forced to spin in a frenzied flow of information. Social media messages and notifications are mixed with phone calls and news on TV, turning our everyday life into an information meat grinder. Perhaps the conscious appeal to solitude is also connected with the desire to take a break from external noise.

Recent research, cited in Kleinenberg's work, suggests that the majority of today's loners lead an active social life. Many of them have jobs, friends and lovers, and some even get married. Where is the loneliness here? The new social reality allows you to simultaneously have any kind of relationship and take care of yourself on your own territory. So, married couples who need personal space prefer to live separately, meeting, for example, on Sundays.

This approach to relationships often causes misunderstanding and even condemnation - a change in stereotyped behavior rarely causes acceptance by the majority. Also, many accuse loners of egocentrism, high self-esteem and indifferent attitude to people. It must be understood that most often such attacks arise from those who lead a less eventful social life, have a lot of free time and are prone to psychological dependence. Modern loners are ready to maintain social contacts, but they are strict in choosing friends. Their external isolation (the desire to live alone) does not mean that they do not need people, or that they do not know how to love. In addition, those who have chosen a solo life understand that the number of friends and acquaintances does not guarantee inner comfort.

Also, many believe that singles do not face problems, as they are deprived of any obligations, which is also not true. Solo life as a lifestyle - absolutely new phenomenon, for the scale of the spread of which the world was not ready. That is why today singles face many problems. Some employers are not ready to hire an unmarried person, suspecting him of irresponsibility. In this case, singles are forced to fight against stereotypes. Travel lovers note that the price of a tour or a hotel room per person is much higher than the cost of a vacation for couples or companies. That is why entire societies for the protection of the rights of lonely people have appeared today. Obviously, business development is possible in the near future, target audience which lonely people will become.

Now, despite the global growth of households, which are only one person, conscious loneliness causes misunderstanding and accusations of infantilism. However, psychologists and psychiatrists note that the ability to live alone is something required quality which many cannot learn in their entire lives. It is known that everyone needs to be alone from time to time in order to understand their place in the reality surrounding them. Furthermore, high percent singles can afford to spend a large number of time for self-realization. It is no coincidence that most often this way of life is chosen by representatives of the so-called creative class.

Eric Kleinenberg published his research just two years ago. In it, he declares a "large-scale social experiment" in which the whole world participates. It is interesting that today, after 24 months, the phenomenon of solo life has become much more familiar, which means that soon we will be able to talk not only about an experiment, but also about a really new social reality.

Ecology of life. Psychology: Attitude towards loneliness in modern society is rapidly changing. Life alone is much more convenient for us. Individualism is not a trend, it is already a reality.

Attitudes towards loneliness in modern society are rapidly changing. Life alone is much more convenient for us. Individualism is not a trend, it is already a reality.

We have been taught for a long time that each of us is part of a family, clan, team, that our mission is to live for the sake of others and together with others. But today individual life individual person becomes more and more valuable. Freedom and personal development are more important than any restrictions and even attachments. Solo living is clearly becoming a trend. And this is not a new ideology, it is - new reality.

Everything in the world more people prefer to live on their own, alone, and this trend is already impossible to ignore. But the book by the American sociologist Eric Kleinenberg "Living Solo: The New Social Reality" is sure to change the way many of us think about the modern phenomenon of "loners".

Based on dozens of authoritative studies and hundreds of interviews of his own, Kleinenberg shows that we are less and less willing to share our home with other people. And although in Russia there are plans to enshrine the concept of a “traditional family” almost by law, in the world this ideal has remained in the past. Today, more than half of Americans live alone, about a third of households consist of one person in Japan, and the fastest growth in the number of "loners" is noted in China, India and Brazil.

Globally, the number of those who live alone increased by a third in ten years from 1996 to 2006*. More and more Russians, when they have the opportunity to own their own housing, choose the advantages of a free life of their own. As the psychotherapist Viktor Kagan notes, “we can advocate for traditional family values, but we cannot but reckon with the ongoing changes. Eric Kleinenberg is trying to understand them. The material he collected and the conclusions to which he comes in the book “Solo Life” refute the main myths about those who chose loneliness.

Myth one: We are not adapted for solo life.

This misconception has been true for thousands of years. “The one who, by virtue of his nature, and not due to accidental circumstances, lives outside the state, or who is underdeveloped in morally being, or a superman,” Aristotle wrote, understanding the state as a collective, a community of people. And this categoricalness is quite understandable. For centuries man was physically and economically unable to survive alone. It may sound cynical, but the sanctity of the family and social ties (kinship, tribal, whatever) has been dictated by survival for centuries. Today there is no such need. In any case, in Western world. “Many wealthy citizens in developed countries use their capital and opportunities precisely to isolate themselves from each other,” writes Kleinenberg. And displays four basic social factors that have contributed to the current popularity of living alone.

The solo life is a valuable resource for creativity and personal development. And this applies to both men and women.

A change in the role of a woman - today she can work and earn on an equal footing with a man and is not obliged to consider family and childbearing as her destiny.

A revolution in the means of communication - telephone, television, and then the Internet allow you not to feel cut off from the world.

Mass urbanization - it is much easier to survive alone in the city than in the rural outback.

Increased life expectancy - many widows and widowers today are in no hurry to remarry or move to their children and grandchildren, preferring to lead an active independent life.

In other words, the evolution of man and society has overcome many of the negative aspects of living alone. Positive ones came to the fore, of which there were many. “The values ​​of continuing family traditions are giving way to the values ​​of self-realization,” Viktor Kagan believes.

In the conditions of the rapid development of civilization, we can realize ourselves only if we are socially active, professionally mobile, and open to change. Perhaps humans were not designed to be alone. But they were not even created for communicating on the Internet or driving a car. However, they do a good job (generally). The same thing happens, probably, with solo life.

Myth two: to live alone means to suffer

Loners are those who live alone, not those who suffer from loneliness, Kleinenberg emphasizes. The reservation is fundamentally important, because these two concepts are synonymous in most languages ​​and cultures - if you live alone, then you will certainly be lonely. Not without reason, after all, life imprisonment in solitary confinement is considered in many countries to be a punishment even more severe than the death penalty.

But is loneliness so scary for everyone? “He who is not sufficiently developed as a person, who is not able to enter into a one-on-one relationship with the world, really suffers in solitude. He loses connections with other people and does not find a worthy interlocutor in himself, - says psychologist Dmitry Leontiev. - BUT prominent people- spiritual teachers, writers and artists, scientists, generals - highly valued loneliness as essential resource creativity and self-development. Apparently, the number of such people is constantly growing. And grows in equally among men and women.

True, no historical change can take away the function of a mother from a woman. And therefore, a single woman, approaching the age limit beyond which the birth of a child is no longer possible, cannot but experience anxiety. And yet, women are less likely to marry just for the opportunity to become a mother.

“My favorite poet Omar Khayyam has famous lines: “ You'd rather starve than eat anything, and it's better to be alone than with just anyone.”, says 38-year-old Evgenia, a chemical technologist.

- Why should I suffer with an unloved person, if I live perfectly on my own? For the sake of a child? Are you sure that he will grow up happy in a family where parents do not love each other? It seems to me that in such families people suffer from loneliness - no matter how many people there are together under one roof.

This observation almost verbatim repeats the thesis social psychologist John T. Cacioppo: “The feeling of loneliness depends on the quality, not the quantity of social contacts. What is important here is not the fact that a person lives alone, it is important whether he feels lonely. Anyone who has divorced their spouse or spouse will attest that there is no lonelier life than living with a person you don't love."

So living solo doesn't have to be a torment., and you should not think that a loner is necessarily lonely and unhappy. “One of the manifestations of an escape from loneliness is the steady mass demand for communication training,” notes Dmitry Leontiev, not without irony. “It seems that training in loneliness, learning to use loneliness as a resource for development, would be much more productive.”

Myth Three: Loners are useless for society

Even if we leave aside the legendary hermits and philosophers, whose instructions and revelations have become a serious part of spiritual experience humanity, this thesis does not stand up to scrutiny.

The modern urban lifestyle is largely shaped by loners and their needs. Bars and fitness clubs, laundries and food delivery services arose primarily because people living alone needed their services. As soon as their number in the city reached a certain critical mass”, the city, responding to their needs, created more and more new services that came in very handy for family people.

32-year-old Pavel works as an economist. He does not have a permanent girlfriend, and he does not seek to create a family yet. Lives alone and is quite happy with it. “I often have to go on business trips,” he says. – Work late or on weekends. It is unlikely that all this will benefit the family, but I like my work, and I feel like I am becoming a real high-class professional.

Pavel does not complain about the lack of communication, he has enough friends. He regularly helps volunteers in search of missing people, and even advises municipal deputies on economic issues from time to time. So, from the point of view of social involvement, you can’t call Pavel a “cut off slice”.

His lifestyle is a confirmation of world statistics, according to which single people, on average, go to clubs and bars twice as often as those who are married, eat in restaurants more often, attend music and art classes and participate in volunteer projects.

“There is every reason to assert,” writes Kleinenberg, “that people living alone compensate for their state of increased social activity, exceeding the activity of those who live together, and in cities where there are many singles, seething cultural life". In a word, if someone stimulates the development of society today, it is just, first of all, loners.

Myth four: we are all afraid of being alone in old age

The debunking of this myth is perhaps one of the most surprising revelations of the book Living Solo. As it turns out, the elderly, who have been credited for centuries with the inability to live alone, are increasingly choosing this kind of life.

“The space of communication has become immeasurably wider than it was even just half a century ago, protecting from loneliness, but eliminating “friction by the sides,” explains Viktor Kagan. – It can attract even the elderly.

“We are different,” a 65-year-old friend told me, “I need my cup of coffee and pipe in the morning, a piece of meat for lunch, I like a full house of guests and I am indifferent to the order in the house, but she does not digest my pipe, an orthodox vegetarian and whole I’m ready to take dust off things for days, but we love each other - so we began to live in different houses, we go to visit each other on weekends or together with children, we travel together and are completely happy.

But even having lost a partner for one reason or another, older people are not at all in a hurry to acquire a new one or move to grown children. main reason- an established way of life. It is difficult to “fit” a new person into it. And it is even more difficult to "fit" into someone else's house, even if we are talking about the family of their own children.

Many older people say that they do not want to witness problems in the families of children or feel like a burden for them, and communication with grandchildren out of joy too often turns into hard work.

In a word, there are many arguments, but the conclusion is one: old people also want to be alone and increasingly prefer a solo life. And if in 1900 only 10% of elderly widows and widowers in the United States lived alone, writes Kleinenberg, then in 2000 they were already noticeably more than half (62%).

Back in 1992, older people living alone were more satisfied with life, had more contacts with social services and had no more physical or mental capacity than their peers who lived with relatives.

In addition, those who lived alone were healthier than those who lived with other adults, with the exception of a spouse (and in some cases, even those who lived with a partner).

Is it any wonder that older people around the world - from America to Japan, where family values ​​are traditionally strong - today increasingly prefer to live solo, refusing to move in with children, and even more so - in nursing homes?

It may be difficult for many of us to come to terms with the idea of ​​the advent of the "age of loners." Both our parents and grandparents professed completely different values, which they passed on to us. Now we have to make a choice: life with family or one, general plans or personal convenience, tradition or risk? Freed from myths, we will be able to better understand ourselves and take a more sober look at the world where our children will live. published

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